


Atlas

by Momos_weird_thoughts



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Death, Feelings, Feels, Loss, M/M, Paul Stamets is allowed to cry, Sad, pretty much everything that's gonna make you cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:27:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momos_weird_thoughts/pseuds/Momos_weird_thoughts
Summary: Paul Stamets is pretty good at controlling his feelings, but after an exhausting jump back into the prime universe, way too much work and loosing his partner he can't keep his grief in any longer.





	Atlas

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this post](https://lenarakahn.tumblr.com/post/170375386787/please-give-me-a-scene-where-paul-is-upsetcrying)
> 
> The title referes to the character Atlas in greek mythology, who is carrying the weight of the sky.

 

“Looks like we’re not getting a break, like all of us expected.”, Stamets said sternly. “Everything has to be well prepared, who knows what’s going to happen, we’re nine months in the future practically. We have to fix everything that broke traveling back. Martins, Andrew, Kumar, take care of everything in the jeffries tubes, it looks like some cables blew up. Cohen, Rodriguez, Novak, take care of the forest. And Tilly, you stay here with me, we’re going to reboot the system.“

Everyone quickly got to work and the cadet could practically watch a little of the weight of the world, which Stamets was stemming, being lifted of his shoulders, as the team went to work and left her as his only company.

While reorganizing the program, she couldn’t help but watch Lieutenant Stamets. He looked so tired; paler than ever and weirdly small. For how long had he been up working already? How ever many hours it was, it was definitely too long. Especially since he hadn’t had a break since the last jump, except for the ten minutes he had taken to change his uniform, cause it had been wet from sweat. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen him eat.

They worked in oppressive silence.

She noticed Stamets repeatedly blinking and shaking his head, as if to shake away an unwelcome thought, before roughly covering his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes closed, the other hand gripping onto the console.

“Sir, are you okay?”, she asked carefully.

He shook his head. “I’m just feeling a little sick.”

“Maybe a bit water will help.”, she smiled, offering him her bottle.

He shook his head again. “Thank you.”, he turned the offer down.

“You should take a break.”, she tried.

“No.” Yet again a head shake. “No, I really can’t.”, he swallowed.

“Can I…”

“Continue your work, Cadet.”, he ordered.

She bit her lip and turned back to the program. He tried to do the same, but after just a few moments he interrupted his work again and quickly turned his back on her.

A sob escaped his lips.

Tilly had somehow expected something like this to happen, still she was a little shocked. She pulled up her brows in compassion and reached out to carefully touch one of his shaking shoulders.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered, cause it was the only way he could hide the crying in his voice a little.

“It’s okay.”, she said, patting his shoulder. For a second she struggled, whether to stop there and leave him his privacy, but her heart instantly told her no. Who else was left to care for him? No Straal, no Culber; it was on her now to take care of him. She moved to his side.

“We all can’t imagine what you must be going through.”, she said carefully.

He was covering his mouth and nose with folded hands, shaking, tears squeezing out of his closed eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to…”, he croaked.

“It’s okay.”, she repeated. What was she supposed to do? What did you say to a person who had just lost their partner? Tilly herself had sobbed for hours before coming to terms with Doctor Culber’s death. She had barely gotten through the last few hours of her shift that day, Paul had been working non-stop since he had woken up, living of nothing but coffee; it was close to a miracle that he only now broke down. Mentally and physically.

“You should take a break.”, she tried again. “Sleep a little and…”

“No.”, he insisted. “I tried to distract myself and it worked well until now. I can’t… I don’t want to go to our quarters. I don’t want to have to know how home without him feels.”

“Oh.”, Tilly said quietly.

Every single one of Stamets sobs broke her heart a little. He looked so small, bent over a little, his whole body was shaking and his knees seemed to be just barely able to hold his weight.

“Let’s sit down.”, she said. “Your feet look a little wobbly and collapsing would be another bad thing adding up to the long list.” She helped him sit down to lean back against the wall, but he just curled up. He pulled his feet up against his chest, arms crossed over them and his chin resting on top.

Paul watched the spore chamber with an empty stare, sobbing almost silently, while Tilly sitting next to him, rubbed circles on his back.

“You know, I’m trying.”, he eventually said with a hiccup. “It’s just that... my mind can’t seem to grasp on to the thought of never seeing him again.”

“I… I’m not…” She sighed. “I’m always talking way too much, but now that it’s important I can’t find a single right word to say.”

“Listening is just as good.”, Stamets replied. “I need to tell you something.”, he then added, looking at her again for the first time. “In the network I didn’t only meet my terran counterpart, I met Hugh. _My_ Hugh. He, his mind, was still living on in there.” He wiped away a few tears.

Tilly opened her mouth in surprise but decided to say nothing yet and close it again.

“And before I woke up… he told me that this wasn’t goodbye. There might be a possibility that we can bring him back through the network and it…” Another sob interrupted him and tears started bubbling out of his eyes again, but he continued. “It takes away the possibility of ever finding even a minute of peace, cause… as absurd as it sounds, he might still be there and we might still be able to bring him back. It _is_ absurd and unlikely, but there’s a chance and this little chance will forever keep me from accepting his death, cause… god, he’s dead.”, he sobbed, violently shaking.

Tilly carefully thought about his and her words before replying. “If there is a way, you will find it. And I’ll help you.”, she said squeezing his shoulder gently.

Stamets looked up. “Are you serious?”, he asked quietly. “Please don’t lie to me.”

“I watched you die.”, Tilly said firmly. “And I watched you come back to life. Doctor Culber has a chance too.”

The scientist smiled wobbly. “Thank you.”, he sniffed. “I’m sorry, I’m so… It just really hurts.” he said.

Tilly let her head rest on his shoulder, one hand still on his back.

It didn’t matter that Stamets usually was her cranky superior. Right now he was a friend who needed help and Tilly did her best to provide it.

With the steady gentle motion on his back the scientist eventually calmed down.

“I wish I could do more.”, she said, sitting up more straight again, but leaving her hand where it was.

“You are doing so much.”, Stamets replied. His eyes seemed a little darker than usual and so much deeper, that the hint of a smile on his face touched Tilly’s heart deep down. “You’re a good friend, Tilly.”

“So are you.”, she replied with a soft smile. “You should really sleep.”, she said once more and this time it looked like she had a chance. “You can stay in my quarters. Michael is staying at Tyler’s anyways, I’ll ask her if she’s okay with you staying there, I’m sure she won’t mind. Just replicate clean linen and be my guest.”, she offered, while getting up.

“I really don’t want to be this kind of a burden to you or steal your bed.”, he frowned, standing up too.

“I’ll finish this shift for sure, maybe work into the next one and I’ll eat, that would be at least six hours of sleep for you.”, she smiled. “Maybe I’ll stay with Detmer or use Michael’s bed, if you don’t mind. We’ll see then. Try not to think too much about the future, it will be here soon enough. Just focus on now.”

He nodded.

Tilly gave really good advise and Paul would be forever thankful for being invited to borrow her quarters. Brushing his teeth alone and in silence was weird. But not too weird. This was not their quarters, not their home. It didn’t feel as wrong, cause Hugh wasn’t supposed to be here anyways. It was easier to just imagine Hugh was sleeping safe and sound in their bed and this was just some kind of weird, sad and lonely sleepover.

And who knew, maybe it was. After all Tilly, wonderful smart Tilly, was in engineering right now, analyzing the data of Paul coming back to life.

But he tried to follow her advice and not think about it. He would see what she had found after a few hours of sleep. Closing his eyes was a little hard, cause it made his brain go wild, but he somehow managed to control that too.

Tilly deserved the place in commando training, she deserved a captain’s chair, heck, she deserved the world, cause god knows, what Paul would have done without her smart brain and her good, brave heart.


End file.
